I'm leaving for Florida with Laura on Tuesday and I'm pretty excited. I definitely need a vacation considering the last time I went away was last May/June when we went to Jamaica.
It's surprising how much has changed since then. I'm definitely a different person since then, and not simply because I have a full-time job now. Granted, a lot hasn't changed either, and that is what bothers me more than anything else.
I'm still reliant on other people; I want to know when that point came in my life, because I don't remember it happening at all. I always thought I was the independent one, who could handle whatever life through at me by myself. Maybe life is just more complicated now and I just wish I had someone to lean on when I needed them.
I think I just need a confidence booster...maybe someday...
Friday, April 3, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
anything to avoid this paper
So I'm suppose to be writing my 2nd graduate paper for this marketing MBA class and I am looking for each and every excuse to avoid it. I just finished one last Friday and turned it in, and come to find out I was suppose to have this one done for class on Monday. But, I didn't know (and neither did 75% of my class) so it wasn't done. I only have until Friday to finish it and I am completely freaking out.
I spent this whole morning stressed. I spent a good chunk of this morning trying to find information on the case study online...I'm pretty sure I checked every resource I could through the Brandeis network. But, nothing. Great way to start my morning.
Then I got to thinking about my interactions with people lately and I realized I'm disappointed in myself. Yes, I have got better than just a few months ago, but some of my same tendencies are there. I've already burned a few bridges with my actions/words recently and I need to start trying to be the best person possible.
But, I have been having some great chats with my bfgff lately. That's best fucking guy friend forever, as he likes to call himself. For some reason, Chris and I have managed to hold together this friendship over the past almost 9 years (wow, that's longer than I thought!) even though we've never lived in the same state and have only really hung out in person 5 times. Before, he lived in NJ and I was in MA. Now, I'm still in MA but he's over in China for a year teaching English. Yet, we have the same great conversations we've been having for years and whether or not he knows it, I really value our talks. He is one of the few people who I can talk to about ANYTHING. I have never lied to him about anything and I know he's been honest with me too. Even though he offers some strange advice/commentary about my situtations, I know he will at least listen to me go on and on about some silly issue and never judge me for it.
I also realized during these conversations how much I am envious of his life right now. I wish I had the opportunity/guts to just get up and go overseas for a year, without knowing anyone, to teach foreign kids English. I think it's a great experience and I'm really happy that he's doing it. Plus, it gives me an excuse to go travel to China and visit, which I am planning on doing next fall as long as all the logistics work themselves out.
Well that, and a possible trip to Hawaii next winter. How amazing would it to be spending a week in China the last week of September/first week in October, then be spending a week in January on a beach in Hawaii. I can almost feel the sun on my face, with a frozen drink in my hand on the beach now...
I spent this whole morning stressed. I spent a good chunk of this morning trying to find information on the case study online...I'm pretty sure I checked every resource I could through the Brandeis network. But, nothing. Great way to start my morning.
Then I got to thinking about my interactions with people lately and I realized I'm disappointed in myself. Yes, I have got better than just a few months ago, but some of my same tendencies are there. I've already burned a few bridges with my actions/words recently and I need to start trying to be the best person possible.
But, I have been having some great chats with my bfgff lately. That's best fucking guy friend forever, as he likes to call himself. For some reason, Chris and I have managed to hold together this friendship over the past almost 9 years (wow, that's longer than I thought!) even though we've never lived in the same state and have only really hung out in person 5 times. Before, he lived in NJ and I was in MA. Now, I'm still in MA but he's over in China for a year teaching English. Yet, we have the same great conversations we've been having for years and whether or not he knows it, I really value our talks. He is one of the few people who I can talk to about ANYTHING. I have never lied to him about anything and I know he's been honest with me too. Even though he offers some strange advice/commentary about my situtations, I know he will at least listen to me go on and on about some silly issue and never judge me for it.
I also realized during these conversations how much I am envious of his life right now. I wish I had the opportunity/guts to just get up and go overseas for a year, without knowing anyone, to teach foreign kids English. I think it's a great experience and I'm really happy that he's doing it. Plus, it gives me an excuse to go travel to China and visit, which I am planning on doing next fall as long as all the logistics work themselves out.
Well that, and a possible trip to Hawaii next winter. How amazing would it to be spending a week in China the last week of September/first week in October, then be spending a week in January on a beach in Hawaii. I can almost feel the sun on my face, with a frozen drink in my hand on the beach now...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
maybe someday i'll be better at this...
Once again, I've been lacking the inspiration to write in this blog lately. I'm not sure why...lack of topic to write about... maybe, or am I really just too lazy to sit down and write?
I think part of my issue is that I'm not at school, so I'm not as stressed out - in fact, this job does not come with a lot of stress at all....something I am definitely not used to. Whenever I get super stressed out I use writing as a way to destress and take a break from whatever is bothering me, so that I can go back and focus on the thing that is stressing me out with a fresh start.
But, I am starting my first ever graduate class next week, and I am positive that I will become the person I am more used to.
Speaking of my graduate class, this is the first time I've been nervous in MONTHS. I am seriously terrified that I am making a huge mistake trying to take this class. Not only is this the first time I've been paying for my education completely on my own (Thank you Brandeis for not having a master's program that interests me even slightly...), but I'm going to be at Salem State, not Simmons, and that definitely terrifies me. I felt comfortable the first time I walked onto Simmons' campus...I've never even been to Salem State. I knew when I got accepted to Simmons that I had the capacity to do the work and strive at what I loved, Communications. But now, I'm just taking a graduate class without having to apply to the program yet, and without having to take the GMATS which will prove eventually if I can even get into a graduate program ANYWHERE. What if I'm not meant to go to grad school, or what if I'm not meant to get an MBA? Am I wasting my time, effort and money on something that I can never achieve? I guess I just need to wait and see how this whole thing plays out.
I think part of my issue is that I'm not at school, so I'm not as stressed out - in fact, this job does not come with a lot of stress at all....something I am definitely not used to. Whenever I get super stressed out I use writing as a way to destress and take a break from whatever is bothering me, so that I can go back and focus on the thing that is stressing me out with a fresh start.
But, I am starting my first ever graduate class next week, and I am positive that I will become the person I am more used to.
Speaking of my graduate class, this is the first time I've been nervous in MONTHS. I am seriously terrified that I am making a huge mistake trying to take this class. Not only is this the first time I've been paying for my education completely on my own (Thank you Brandeis for not having a master's program that interests me even slightly...), but I'm going to be at Salem State, not Simmons, and that definitely terrifies me. I felt comfortable the first time I walked onto Simmons' campus...I've never even been to Salem State. I knew when I got accepted to Simmons that I had the capacity to do the work and strive at what I loved, Communications. But now, I'm just taking a graduate class without having to apply to the program yet, and without having to take the GMATS which will prove eventually if I can even get into a graduate program ANYWHERE. What if I'm not meant to go to grad school, or what if I'm not meant to get an MBA? Am I wasting my time, effort and money on something that I can never achieve? I guess I just need to wait and see how this whole thing plays out.
Friday, December 26, 2008
somewhere in between
So I'm sad to realize that I haven't posted anything since NOVEMBER 4 and it's now December 26. I knew that I was having an issue trying to find something I was interested in writing about, but almost two months is just insane. I fail as an inspiring journalist sometimes.
To recap the last couple of weeks: Obama won. I was a little nervous as I was watching the coverage but he came through in the end. It was pretty exciting to be able to watch my cousin, who's a graduate student at Columbia J-School, broadcast live from Virginia. Between her and my friend from Simmons who's there too, I wonder if I should have considered J-School as an option. But, I don't think I'm as passionate about journalism, especially broadcast, as they are. I think for right now, I made the right decision to not go directly into graduate school. Eventually, I'll get there, but for now, I can deal with where I am.
Otherwise, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Good or bad, I don't think it matters. But, it has definitely affected my sleeping habits, which are getting progressively worst. I got a total of 3 hours of sleep last night, finally falling asleep sometime after 5 am - to be fair, I wasn't out, I actually decided to go to bed at 11:30 since I felt 'tired' but then I just was laying in bed watching the clock move along while I couldn't fall asleep.
But, I do realize I have some great ideas during that time between 3 am and 5 am when I'm wide awake. I contradict myself every year when I claim that I am actually going to follow my resolutions, but this year, I'm going to make them realistic so I will actually follow them, and start to feel better about the person I've become.
Here are just a few that I've come up with and I will update with more as they come to me:
- Write more. It can be about anything. Once a week would be great, but once a month is required.
- Get into a gym schedule and follow it. No excuses. I need to be able to run a mini-marathon with mom next September for breast cancer. It affects too many of us not to.
- Be more spontanious. Book a trip to LA and actually go!
- Be a better friend. Stop hurting those around me. Listen more. Offer advice.
- Think before I act. Do not let the alcohol do the thinking for me.
- Show Ariel around Boston before she leaves for college. Maybe leave out all the places I drank when I was underage, but show her the T, and the other COF schools, and Starbucks. Remember how it felt to be a scared freshman living in the city.
- Make healthier food choices. Listen to mom. Go back to how I ate when I was cooking for myself.
- Take more pictures. Good ones, not just party ones. Slides, black and white, color. Doesn't matter. Enjoy it like I used to.
- Get more work clothes. Warm, comfy and cute. Learn from Laura and Tara, who have amazing tastes!
- Do something for myself and no one else. It can be anything, but be selfish about it.
- Find time to get back into a pool. Ignore the pain that will come with it. Enjoy the memories that it brings/the amazing muscles that will come back, eventually.
- Find more time to read. Catch up on all those books you've been meaning to read but forgot about.
This is just the beginning. 2009 is going to be a great year, I know.
To recap the last couple of weeks: Obama won. I was a little nervous as I was watching the coverage but he came through in the end. It was pretty exciting to be able to watch my cousin, who's a graduate student at Columbia J-School, broadcast live from Virginia. Between her and my friend from Simmons who's there too, I wonder if I should have considered J-School as an option. But, I don't think I'm as passionate about journalism, especially broadcast, as they are. I think for right now, I made the right decision to not go directly into graduate school. Eventually, I'll get there, but for now, I can deal with where I am.
Otherwise, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Good or bad, I don't think it matters. But, it has definitely affected my sleeping habits, which are getting progressively worst. I got a total of 3 hours of sleep last night, finally falling asleep sometime after 5 am - to be fair, I wasn't out, I actually decided to go to bed at 11:30 since I felt 'tired' but then I just was laying in bed watching the clock move along while I couldn't fall asleep.
But, I do realize I have some great ideas during that time between 3 am and 5 am when I'm wide awake. I contradict myself every year when I claim that I am actually going to follow my resolutions, but this year, I'm going to make them realistic so I will actually follow them, and start to feel better about the person I've become.
Here are just a few that I've come up with and I will update with more as they come to me:
- Write more. It can be about anything. Once a week would be great, but once a month is required.
- Get into a gym schedule and follow it. No excuses. I need to be able to run a mini-marathon with mom next September for breast cancer. It affects too many of us not to.
- Be more spontanious. Book a trip to LA and actually go!
- Be a better friend. Stop hurting those around me. Listen more. Offer advice.
- Think before I act. Do not let the alcohol do the thinking for me.
- Show Ariel around Boston before she leaves for college. Maybe leave out all the places I drank when I was underage, but show her the T, and the other COF schools, and Starbucks. Remember how it felt to be a scared freshman living in the city.
- Make healthier food choices. Listen to mom. Go back to how I ate when I was cooking for myself.
- Take more pictures. Good ones, not just party ones. Slides, black and white, color. Doesn't matter. Enjoy it like I used to.
- Get more work clothes. Warm, comfy and cute. Learn from Laura and Tara, who have amazing tastes!
- Do something for myself and no one else. It can be anything, but be selfish about it.
- Find time to get back into a pool. Ignore the pain that will come with it. Enjoy the memories that it brings/the amazing muscles that will come back, eventually.
- Find more time to read. Catch up on all those books you've been meaning to read but forgot about.
This is just the beginning. 2009 is going to be a great year, I know.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
today's the day our lives will change
today's the day. it's seemed like forever ago this all started but we've cast our votes (and hopefully still casting for another 45 minutes...) as to who will be the new president. i've very anxious to find out who wins. i don't remember feeling like this the last time (and first time, ever) i voted in the 2004 elections.
i am impressed with the increase in participation this election. maybe i just didn't see it before, or maybe it really is much more intense, but i feel like almost all of my friends have voted. for some, this is their first time, for others, it's the 2nd, 3rd, etc but either way, everyone has come together and decided they wanted to voice their opinion. i wonder if the increased publicity via outlets that people my age are more likely to pay attention to, i.e. facebook, teen tv networks, etc, has had an effect. i was completely shocked this morning when i logged into facebook and saw that 99% of my friends' status updates were about "donating their status to (fill in appropriate candidate)". viral marketing has a way of really affecting people, and i think this marketing tactic really worked. it definitely got anyone logging in to see that their friends were voting and maybe, just maybe, make them change their mind and vote as well. maybe it's all wishful thinking on my behalf, but i really hope that the majority of people i know did vote. we'll see, won't we.
and sometimes i'm really glad i choose to take advertising and marketing classes just so i can analysis from a different perspective the affects on people.
the next update: election results.
i am impressed with the increase in participation this election. maybe i just didn't see it before, or maybe it really is much more intense, but i feel like almost all of my friends have voted. for some, this is their first time, for others, it's the 2nd, 3rd, etc but either way, everyone has come together and decided they wanted to voice their opinion. i wonder if the increased publicity via outlets that people my age are more likely to pay attention to, i.e. facebook, teen tv networks, etc, has had an effect. i was completely shocked this morning when i logged into facebook and saw that 99% of my friends' status updates were about "donating their status to (fill in appropriate candidate)". viral marketing has a way of really affecting people, and i think this marketing tactic really worked. it definitely got anyone logging in to see that their friends were voting and maybe, just maybe, make them change their mind and vote as well. maybe it's all wishful thinking on my behalf, but i really hope that the majority of people i know did vote. we'll see, won't we.
and sometimes i'm really glad i choose to take advertising and marketing classes just so i can analysis from a different perspective the affects on people.
the next update: election results.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
what i accomplish at work..
This was from the other day when I was stuck working an event that I never got around to posting online...
I'm currently sitting in doing technology help for one of our conferences and I got to thinking (hard to imagine, I know) - did I imagine this is where I would be a year ago, four years ago, ever?
If you had told me I'd eventually be helping run an Israel Cleantech Conference, I probably would have laughed at you. When I started looking into higher education, I only pictured myself at Simmons. I still often wonder why I'm not there - but that's a whole different story - since I miss everything about it all the time. But, on the other hand, Brandeis has been a great working experience.
I can honestly say I love my job - it's different every day and I've started to feel at home here. I love the people I work with, i love the work i do *minus the stupid tasks our communications guy gives me for no reason*. I've also realized how much I missed being around guys on a daily basis. I feel like I can relate to them a lot, which probably has something to do with me growing up with mostly guy friends - and I'm glad to be starting those friendships.
But, I often wonder if the people I work with have a fake sense about who I really am, especially since I'm always "happy" at work and I always have great stories to tell about drinking and bad decision making.
Speaking on that note, I've been trying to decide if I'm actually happy with who I've become lately. I feel like I've been very selfish- putting myself first, which is a new concept to me - I've always thought what would be best for others before considering myself. And I actually like it. But at the end of the day, I am wondering it's right. Am I building these new friendships based on something that isn't true? I just wish I had the answers and could just be told whether or not it's all worth it.
It other less serious news, I bought a new car!It's wicked adorable and very "me" as everyone has told me. I love driving it and can't wait to take it on a road trip somewhere. I've started to get antsy and want to plan a trip somewhere...either TRIP '09, or just a small one before that. The crappy weather lately hasn't helped...if anything it's made me want to get on a plane and fly somewhere warm and not come back until summer.
until next time.
I'm currently sitting in doing technology help for one of our conferences and I got to thinking (hard to imagine, I know) - did I imagine this is where I would be a year ago, four years ago, ever?
If you had told me I'd eventually be helping run an Israel Cleantech Conference, I probably would have laughed at you. When I started looking into higher education, I only pictured myself at Simmons. I still often wonder why I'm not there - but that's a whole different story - since I miss everything about it all the time. But, on the other hand, Brandeis has been a great working experience.
I can honestly say I love my job - it's different every day and I've started to feel at home here. I love the people I work with, i love the work i do *minus the stupid tasks our communications guy gives me for no reason*. I've also realized how much I missed being around guys on a daily basis. I feel like I can relate to them a lot, which probably has something to do with me growing up with mostly guy friends - and I'm glad to be starting those friendships.
But, I often wonder if the people I work with have a fake sense about who I really am, especially since I'm always "happy" at work and I always have great stories to tell about drinking and bad decision making.
Speaking on that note, I've been trying to decide if I'm actually happy with who I've become lately. I feel like I've been very selfish- putting myself first, which is a new concept to me - I've always thought what would be best for others before considering myself. And I actually like it. But at the end of the day, I am wondering it's right. Am I building these new friendships based on something that isn't true? I just wish I had the answers and could just be told whether or not it's all worth it.
It other less serious news, I bought a new car!It's wicked adorable and very "me" as everyone has told me. I love driving it and can't wait to take it on a road trip somewhere. I've started to get antsy and want to plan a trip somewhere...either TRIP '09, or just a small one before that. The crappy weather lately hasn't helped...if anything it's made me want to get on a plane and fly somewhere warm and not come back until summer.
until next time.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
seven years ago today...
seven years ago today:
- i was a sophomore in high school
- i had only read about things that happened in history, never living through anything major that would affect the rest of our lives
- i was terrified to fly, but it had nothing to do with people crashing planes into buildings
- i never thought that 1/4 of my life, so far, would be spent during a war that seems to have no end
- i never thought that more friends than i'd like to know would go overseas to fight for our country
every year, i reflect on today. i personally didn't lose anyone but i know many people that did. my uncle came VERY close to being in one of those towers, and i am thankful every day that he wasn't there. hes a psychologist who works with homeless people on the streets in NYC. his 'office' happened to be located in one of the towers but he was only required to go to a meeting once every few weeks with other people he worked with...it is mostly a 'get out there and help people' kinda job. September 11 just happened to be the day when his office was suppose to get together for a meeting, but he woke up that morning and for whatever reason, his meeting either got cancelled, or pushed back to later that afternoon, so he didn't need to go into the office. that saved his life and i know it has affected him ever since. he lost many people he knew that day.
i don't know why this year i feel as if i'm more affected, if that's the word i'm looking for. i guess maybe because this is the first year where i haven't been at school where everyone just talks about it. in high school, we always held a moment of silence and then talked about it in particular classes, depending on if the teacher knew someone or not. then at simmons, being a communications major, we would talk about the effect on the media or you'd see someone that knew someone that just needed to talk for a few minutes.
but this year, i was at brandeis. no one even mentioned it, which i find weird since i know my office had to have lost some alums. brandeis alums, especially the ones we target as donors, pretty much only live in NYC or abroad. these are very well-to-do professionals, who probably were there during the times of the attacks. i felt sad to know that no one, at least not at IBS, recognized the people who were lost that day.
today was also the first day i really noticed that planes that fly in and out of the small airport by my house. i've know that airport has been there for YEARS, since david had a boyscout camp outing there when we were little. but today, as i was driving to work, stuck in traffic, i could see all the planes flying in and out, and honestly, when i heard police cars coming down the highway, i got this sick feeling in my stomach, even though i knew the police probably had to do with an accident somewhere down the road and nothing to do with the airplanes, but that's what i thought. and of course, i could only picture the images that i've seen so many times that they are forever ingrained in my mind.
the verdict is still out whether or not i truly feel safer when i fly. granted, i HATED flying long before sept 11th was probably even a thought in the terrorists' minds. i've always wonder how something so big and heavy as a plane could possibly stay in the air. then of course, final destination came out, and surprise surprise, i got even more freaked out. i hate to admit it, but i really check my tray table every time i get on a flight. watch me, you'll laugh. but after sept 11th, i really questioned if i would ever feel completely safe, disregarding the falling out of the air by accident part. i think if someone was really determined to try to duplicate that day, they would. they found a loophole in the system then, so what makes it impossible for there to be another loophole none of us know about. for instance, coming back from jamaica, jen and laura both went through security with bottles of sunscreen in their carryons - unknowingly, but still. we didn't realize it until we were about to board and they were looking for something in their bags. how excited do you think i was to get on that plane? no amount of drugs could take away that feeling let me tell you. sure, boston might have pretty decent security, but other states? other countries? i have my doubts. and i know i'm not the only one.
i really hope that future generations are aware of the devastation that happened that day. i know that growing up we always learned about the world wars, pearl harbor, the gulf war, vietnam, cold war, etc. but this is just so different. this was mostly innocent people - people traveling for one reason or another, people at work, people trying to help other people, our nurses, doctors, police, firemen, emts, good citizens. and, in addition to all that, our soldiers have been out there for almost just as long, giving up their lives to honor those who died.
i just hope that no one ever forgets. i know i won't.
- i was a sophomore in high school
- i had only read about things that happened in history, never living through anything major that would affect the rest of our lives
- i was terrified to fly, but it had nothing to do with people crashing planes into buildings
- i never thought that 1/4 of my life, so far, would be spent during a war that seems to have no end
- i never thought that more friends than i'd like to know would go overseas to fight for our country
every year, i reflect on today. i personally didn't lose anyone but i know many people that did. my uncle came VERY close to being in one of those towers, and i am thankful every day that he wasn't there. hes a psychologist who works with homeless people on the streets in NYC. his 'office' happened to be located in one of the towers but he was only required to go to a meeting once every few weeks with other people he worked with...it is mostly a 'get out there and help people' kinda job. September 11 just happened to be the day when his office was suppose to get together for a meeting, but he woke up that morning and for whatever reason, his meeting either got cancelled, or pushed back to later that afternoon, so he didn't need to go into the office. that saved his life and i know it has affected him ever since. he lost many people he knew that day.
i don't know why this year i feel as if i'm more affected, if that's the word i'm looking for. i guess maybe because this is the first year where i haven't been at school where everyone just talks about it. in high school, we always held a moment of silence and then talked about it in particular classes, depending on if the teacher knew someone or not. then at simmons, being a communications major, we would talk about the effect on the media or you'd see someone that knew someone that just needed to talk for a few minutes.
but this year, i was at brandeis. no one even mentioned it, which i find weird since i know my office had to have lost some alums. brandeis alums, especially the ones we target as donors, pretty much only live in NYC or abroad. these are very well-to-do professionals, who probably were there during the times of the attacks. i felt sad to know that no one, at least not at IBS, recognized the people who were lost that day.
today was also the first day i really noticed that planes that fly in and out of the small airport by my house. i've know that airport has been there for YEARS, since david had a boyscout camp outing there when we were little. but today, as i was driving to work, stuck in traffic, i could see all the planes flying in and out, and honestly, when i heard police cars coming down the highway, i got this sick feeling in my stomach, even though i knew the police probably had to do with an accident somewhere down the road and nothing to do with the airplanes, but that's what i thought. and of course, i could only picture the images that i've seen so many times that they are forever ingrained in my mind.
the verdict is still out whether or not i truly feel safer when i fly. granted, i HATED flying long before sept 11th was probably even a thought in the terrorists' minds. i've always wonder how something so big and heavy as a plane could possibly stay in the air. then of course, final destination came out, and surprise surprise, i got even more freaked out. i hate to admit it, but i really check my tray table every time i get on a flight. watch me, you'll laugh. but after sept 11th, i really questioned if i would ever feel completely safe, disregarding the falling out of the air by accident part. i think if someone was really determined to try to duplicate that day, they would. they found a loophole in the system then, so what makes it impossible for there to be another loophole none of us know about. for instance, coming back from jamaica, jen and laura both went through security with bottles of sunscreen in their carryons - unknowingly, but still. we didn't realize it until we were about to board and they were looking for something in their bags. how excited do you think i was to get on that plane? no amount of drugs could take away that feeling let me tell you. sure, boston might have pretty decent security, but other states? other countries? i have my doubts. and i know i'm not the only one.
i really hope that future generations are aware of the devastation that happened that day. i know that growing up we always learned about the world wars, pearl harbor, the gulf war, vietnam, cold war, etc. but this is just so different. this was mostly innocent people - people traveling for one reason or another, people at work, people trying to help other people, our nurses, doctors, police, firemen, emts, good citizens. and, in addition to all that, our soldiers have been out there for almost just as long, giving up their lives to honor those who died.
i just hope that no one ever forgets. i know i won't.
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