i never can keep up

I'm leaving for Florida with Laura on Tuesday and I'm pretty excited. I definitely need a vacation considering the last time I went away was last May/June when we went to Jamaica.

It's surprising how much has changed since then. I'm definitely a different person since then, and not simply because I have a full-time job now. Granted, a lot hasn't changed either, and that is what bothers me more than anything else.

I'm still reliant on other people; I want to know when that point came in my life, because I don't remember it happening at all. I always thought I was the independent one, who could handle whatever life through at me by myself. Maybe life is just more complicated now and I just wish I had someone to lean on when I needed them.

I think I just need a confidence booster...maybe someday...

anything to avoid this paper

So I'm suppose to be writing my 2nd graduate paper for this marketing MBA class and I am looking for each and every excuse to avoid it. I just finished one last Friday and turned it in, and come to find out I was suppose to have this one done for class on Monday. But, I didn't know (and neither did 75% of my class) so it wasn't done. I only have until Friday to finish it and I am completely freaking out.

I spent this whole morning stressed. I spent a good chunk of this morning trying to find information on the case study online...I'm pretty sure I checked every resource I could through the Brandeis network. But, nothing. Great way to start my morning.

Then I got to thinking about my interactions with people lately and I realized I'm disappointed in myself. Yes, I have got better than just a few months ago, but some of my same tendencies are there. I've already burned a few bridges with my actions/words recently and I need to start trying to be the best person possible.

But, I have been having some great chats with my bfgff lately. That's best fucking guy friend forever, as he likes to call himself. For some reason, Chris and I have managed to hold together this friendship over the past almost 9 years (wow, that's longer than I thought!) even though we've never lived in the same state and have only really hung out in person 5 times. Before, he lived in NJ and I was in MA. Now, I'm still in MA but he's over in China for a year teaching English. Yet, we have the same great conversations we've been having for years and whether or not he knows it, I really value our talks. He is one of the few people who I can talk to about ANYTHING. I have never lied to him about anything and I know he's been honest with me too. Even though he offers some strange advice/commentary about my situtations, I know he will at least listen to me go on and on about some silly issue and never judge me for it.

I also realized during these conversations how much I am envious of his life right now. I wish I had the opportunity/guts to just get up and go overseas for a year, without knowing anyone, to teach foreign kids English. I think it's a great experience and I'm really happy that he's doing it. Plus, it gives me an excuse to go travel to China and visit, which I am planning on doing next fall as long as all the logistics work themselves out.

Well that, and a possible trip to Hawaii next winter. How amazing would it to be spending a week in China the last week of September/first week in October, then be spending a week in January on a beach in Hawaii. I can almost feel the sun on my face, with a frozen drink in my hand on the beach now...

maybe someday i'll be better at this...

Once again, I've been lacking the inspiration to write in this blog lately. I'm not sure why...lack of topic to write about... maybe, or am I really just too lazy to sit down and write?

I think part of my issue is that I'm not at school, so I'm not as stressed out - in fact, this job does not come with a lot of stress at all....something I am definitely not used to. Whenever I get super stressed out I use writing as a way to destress and take a break from whatever is bothering me, so that I can go back and focus on the thing that is stressing me out with a fresh start.

But, I am starting my first ever graduate class next week, and I am positive that I will become the person I am more used to.

Speaking of my graduate class, this is the first time I've been nervous in MONTHS. I am seriously terrified that I am making a huge mistake trying to take this class. Not only is this the first time I've been paying for my education completely on my own (Thank you Brandeis for not having a master's program that interests me even slightly...), but I'm going to be at Salem State, not Simmons, and that definitely terrifies me. I felt comfortable the first time I walked onto Simmons' campus...I've never even been to Salem State. I knew when I got accepted to Simmons that I had the capacity to do the work and strive at what I loved, Communications. But now, I'm just taking a graduate class without having to apply to the program yet, and without having to take the GMATS which will prove eventually if I can even get into a graduate program ANYWHERE. What if I'm not meant to go to grad school, or what if I'm not meant to get an MBA? Am I wasting my time, effort and money on something that I can never achieve? I guess I just need to wait and see how this whole thing plays out.